Between Scylla and Charybdis, or Discarded Draft
by FS
Summary: Ai informs Conan about a possible cure with serious side effects... (a ficlet in letter-form)


Disclaimer: Sometimes I'm glad that _Detective Conan_ doesn't belong to me since it would be much darker if it did...

Summary: _Ai informs Conan about the side effects of a possible cure..._

* * *

 **Between Scylla and Charybdis, or Discarded Draft**

 _by FS_

* * *

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Dear Kudo-kun _(Omit the "dear"?)_ ,

I know you can't wait to return to your old life now that your former classmates are graduating—but I have to inform you that there is no permanent cure for APTX. I've done my best but I can't develop it, and I doubt that I (or anyone else) ever will _(Keep or delete this sentence? Does it sound too arrogant? May try working on a cure again after recovering from the flu...)._

Or maybe there is something similar to a cure—the only antidote you will survive since all the rats I've fed it to are surviving _(Insert "more or less"?)_ —but it's a drug you have to take three times a day. I'll have to monitor your health and check your blood regularly, at least once in three months (and whenever you've been sick). Once you've taken the antidote, you will have to continue taking it for life so that you won't shrink again, and there will be strong side effects... I can already hear your exclamation that you can deal with any side effects since nothing can be worse than what you're going through, but please don't take the pills before you've finished reading my letter ( _Delete or keep this sentence? Send him the pills with this letter or later, if he insists on taking them?_ ).

I know you've been thoroughly exhausted by your present condition, by the insomnia, allergies, and the flu-like symptoms which accompany every infection you catch, which you often do these days whenever you're stressed. The wounds which heal much too slowly, the palpitations and shortness of breath whenever you're tired, the various pains which affect your well-being and your productivity, the worries which accompany an incurable, possibly fatal disease—I know them all since I've been experiencing the same symptoms, but they're manageable if you commit to a healthy lifestyle, which only costs you a little effort. You'll feel much better if you work less, diet, exercise, and sleep more. I know you hate me for telling you this again and I hate myself for preaching again, but it's the truth. I know old habits die hard but I hate watching you ruin your health (or rather what is left of it after ingesting my invention)! _(Too preachy, and trying to justify it makes it sound worse; maybe delete the last part...)_

I'm sorry for reminding you that we two are dying—but I think everyone is dying, in a sense. Our chances at living a long life may have become smaller than they once were, but we still have a few decades... and who knows how long you and I would live if I discovered the ideal cure? Right after taking it, we could be run over by a car, be shot by one of the serial killers you love hunting so much, be stabbed by some of your avid fans, or be beaten to death by your karate champion after she finds out how long we've been lying to her (and what we've been hiding from her)... I've stopped thinking of our condition as an illness since I've begun to view it as the best thing which could have happened to us. Being punished by one's own body for indulging in an unhealthy lifestyle reminds one of one's mortality and helps one avoid accumulating destructive habits in the long run.

You probably think I'm in denial—maybe I am. And my apathy, too, might have been caused by APTX since I'm too tired to care about the consequences. The fog in my head doesn't make working on the antidote easier (the symptoms always flare up during an infection, don't they?). I can barely focus, and I've become paranoid about making mistakes which could cost you your life.

I'm not being very apologetic about this, certainly less than I thought I should be—but I like my new way of dealing with our situation since I'm sick of blaming myself. You accuse me of being hard and cold, but one of us needs to keep a cool head. Like you, I've grown tired of the regular blood tests. Watching my health and especially your health fluctuate _("Deteriorate" is much more accurate, but would he mind the word?)_ without being able to do anything only fosters anxiety. To know or not to know, does it really matter? Despite what APTX has done to our bodies, we still function much better than the average person.

In other words: I've stopped working on the cure. I'd tell you I'm sorry for creating APTX if I believed that an apology from my mouth would change anything for you.

You've certainly noticed that I haven't said much about the drug which can reverse APTX's effects on you if you commit yourself to a lifelong treatment... I don't really want to offer it to you, but I'll mention it nevertheless since I don't think I should rob you of the choice. Common side effects are rashes, nausea, pains, fatique, insomnia, depression (the rats often attempted suicide), memory loss, personality changes (anxiety, lethargy, irritability), dementia, and muscle spasms... As you see, you can become Kudo Shinichi again, but will it be worth it? You're suffering from the symptoms APTX caused, but they're mild and you're in control of them. I think you're more of the old Kudo Shinichi now than you would be after returning to your former life.

Is it worth losing what you have now in exchange for the things you would gain? ( _Mention that they could be together even if he were ten years younger than her? Mention Kudo Shinichi's fame instead? Insert a joke to lighten things up? Flirt a bit for the last time?)_

In any case, I'll remain by your side. I know this is less of a blessing and more of a curse—but someone has to monitor your health, after all. _(Too affectionate. Rephrase!)_

 _(To be discarded or sent after sleeping on it...)_

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

* * *

A/N: Just a short (999-word) ConanAi-fic which wanted to be written when I pondered about how difficult it is to write a letter addressing such a personal topic. As always, comments and critique are welcome.


End file.
